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Posts Tagged ‘drug lords’

Following the previous theme of ‘what can we do to stimulate Antigua’s economy’, I’ve devoted several hours of precious time to this concept and I think(so to speak) that I may have some possible contenders for the Chamber of Commerce to consider.

1. Beauty Contest…Miss Antigua. 2. Dunk the Clown in the water tank…three throws for 100q…nominate your own politician for dunking. 3. Drug Lords and Hookers Ball…come as you’d like to dress/act out your fantasy. 4. Wet T-Shirt contest(Hooter’s ripoff) 5.Treasure Hunts for hidden prizes. 6. Running of the Jews(Borat-inspired). 7. Antique Car Show(there are some unusual cars in town). 8. Art Festival. 9. Lawyers Only Race/Walkathon(tomatoes for tossing provided free). 10. Gun and Knife Show(no AK’s unless they’re gold plated). 11. Chocolate Wrestling Vats. 12. Sexiest Spanish School Student. 13. BBQ, Beer and Babes Extraganza(the Gallo Girls and Ron Botran crew)…work with me here…do I have to do all the heavy lifting?  What does it take to lure the ricos from G City to come over the hill on the weekend and drop a few hundred q here and there? What memories are the tour groups going to take home to where ever they came from? Father’s Day ain’t gonna cut it…maybe if someone found the face of Jesus in their latte or their cheesecake…Condesa would be swamped…maybe fake shoot-outs in the park…narco/cowboys at high noon.

My maid quit today…I told her the vacuum cleaner sucked…

Can You Say Hoover Me?

Can You Say Hoover Me?

 A last attempt at some kind of local ‘boosterism’…does Antigua have the best decorated and painted ‘chicken buses’ or what? ….a race, an obstacle course, a demonstration of running stop signs and who can blow the most diesel smoke? perhaps even a politically themed pinata-fest, where folks could work out their frustrations…a ‘bash for cash’…fill ’em with a few q, take a few whacks at the latest candidate for extradition and go home with a smile on your face…I’m kinda leaning towards the nude chocolate wrestling exposition…dark or light? Who gets to lick the spoon?

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*disclaimer…this is a compendium of weirdness, but “when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”(Hunter S. Thompson)

Whilst doing advanced field research in the Cafe No Se last night on the quaffability of John’s mezcal, the conversation at the bar turned to the latest seizure of some serious weaponry on the coast, which included the usual machine guns, bazookas and other necessary accessories of your average drug lord…but what the hell were they doing with Claymore anti-personnel mines? were they mail ordered from Bombs Are Us?..then you’ve gotta find someone who knows which wire goes where…and then, are we gonna road-test one or two? Or do you just invite your other narco-cowboys over for ‘show and tell’? ..’maybe chop a few lines on ’em, just for the thrill of it all?

Maybe Ignacio can explain it

Maybe Ignacio can explain it

You know, it gets a bit weird here…a new gun law that says you can only carry a maximum of three items(breakfast, lunch and dinner models?)and daily violations of the one-person/one scooter/no cell phone use while driving thing…and they drive one-handed down the cobble stone streets, no helmet, blithely blathering away…blah blah blah…it is too early for mezcal? I think my mind has been mezzed with. May I go to my room now?

The Assassin's Model

The Assassin's Model

 Maybe its all just inexplicable, much like the Canadian accused of passing swine flu to his pigs…did he put lipstick on first? did he ask for el mano del puerco?

 

 

 

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